Wisdom of Phyllis Diller


American icon, Phyllis Diller, was a stand-out, stand up comic when few women entered this field. No one will forget her raucous laugh, her self-deprecating humor, that wild hair and outrageous (for then) outfits. Most notably, Phyllis was beyond funny delivering pearls of wisdom when humor was neither mean or political, just funny. How we miss that. (H/T Linda Babb)


  • As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

  • Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

  • The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

  • Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

  • Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

  • Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

  • We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

  • Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

  • What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  • The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

  • His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

  • Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

  • My photographs don't do me justice -they look just like me.

  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

  • I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

  • The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

  • You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.